playfulkitten - Funny Forwards

Idiots 2000

Okay, this one's pretty abrasive, but a real laugh if you don't mind that sort of humor. Just read on!

• Idiot #1
  
  I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
  
  Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
  
  
• Idiot #2
  
  It seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon, which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
  
  Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
  
  
• Idiot #3
  
  A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, wanting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
  
  So, he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go to the Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
  
  He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
  
  Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
  
  
• Idiot #4
  
  A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 [Editor's note: what a cheap ticket!] and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contaned another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
  
  Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about!)
  
  
• Idiot #5
  
  A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in the bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
  
  At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
  
  Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
  
  
• Idiot #6
  
  A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
  
  (This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself)
  
  
• Idiot #7
  
  Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on video tape.
  
  Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
  
  
• Idiot #8
  
  Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Also in the e-mail I received with the above list, was the following:

Peace Keeper

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the little boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seatbelt. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles back serenely and gently confides: "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

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