playfulkitten - Funny Forwards

St. Louis Driving Rules

For those of you who live in and around St. Louis, or drive in it extensively, you'll read these and find yourself sadly nodding your head as you realize these observations are true. For those of you who've never been to St. Louis, keep these in mind if and when you ever decide to travel here and will be driving. If you come from a location where the driving is even worse, you have nothing to worry about. If, however, you come from a location either small enough or lucky enough to have at least a 50% rate of actual good drivers, then be afraid. Be very afraid... *insert spooky movie music*

  1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. [Editor's note: I do everything I can to make sure said jerks can't get in front of me and have to wait!]
  2. Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real St. Louis driver NEVER uses them.
  3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
  4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."
  5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
  6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work. Missouri's a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
  7. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
  8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before traffic begins to back up.
  9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make St. Louis look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the St. Louis County police car parked in the median.
  10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
  11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
  12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move doesn't mean that a St. Louis driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
  13. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in St. Louis.
  14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
  15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives Adopt-A-Highway crews something to clean up.
  16. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours.
  17. Learn to swerve abruptly. St. Louis is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to MODOT (Missouri Dept. of Transportation), which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
  18. It is traditional in St. Louis to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
  19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
  20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
  21. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather condititions are God's way of ensuring the natural selection process for body shops, junk yards, and new vehicle sales. After all, we do have our priorities.
  22. Remember that the goal of ever St. Louis driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  23. Real St. Louis women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick, going a minimum of 75 mph. Real St. Louis men can eat a Big Mac in one hand, fries in the other, while keeping his Coke between his legs going a minimum of 80 mph. [Editor's note: they forgot to mention eyebrow-plucking for the women. Really. I does happen.]
  24. Backing up on an off-ramp onto the highway, after you realize that you took the wrong exit, is perfectly normal. [Editor's note: So is stopping on the on-ramp, to "wait for a good opening." Yikes!]